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MOMS Transcript
.c1.;
Monique:
I think it really hits me the most when I drop her off at school, um, and sometimes she cries or she says, “I want my mommy. I want my mommy.” I’m like, “Wow.” (laugh) Somebody really wants me. Somebody, somebody needs me. Y’know, I’m really, I’m shocked a lot. I’m really a mother.
(Music: My Mother’s Eyes)
Visual: Mother’s Day Folk Art Shrine
Niobe:
I wanted to be Donna Reed. I mean, I bought that hook, line and sinker. Y’know, it was my life plan. I was going to have twelve children, live on a farm, write poetry, be somebody’s wife and certainly be twelve little ones’ mom.
Alicia:
I remember when I was sixteen, one night talking to my mother and my mother said, “You know, Alicia, nothing you can do in life compares to, to having kids. Everything else is interesting, it’s fun, you can, you know what you’re gonna do for your career, or whatever, but, but you haven’t lived until you’ve had a kid.” And I guess I really took that to heart.
Grace:
Motherhood is a job and after twenty-five years you don’t even get the watch.
TITLE CARD
“God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers. (Jewish proverb)”
Marcia:
If they did something I didn’t like, I’d say, “Don’t do it!” three times to–I gave them three chances. The fourth time, I killed them. I didn’t want to say it four times.
Interviewer:
Did they ever say–
Marcia:
– I ha– Mmm. Yeah. (giggle –
Interviewer:
–and what they’d say?
Marcia:
I hate you. Yeah, and I’d say, “Tough titty!” Whang.
(MUSIC and TITLE CARD)
“A film by Louis Alvarez and Andrew Kolker”
Janice:
These children went to daycare center and they were all getting potty-trained. I didn’t know about penises until I was just about grown up. And they had potty-trained each other. So what? Is that embarrassing?
Georgia:
Oh, Nooo! (Laughter) Noooo, not at all!
(Music and MAIN TITLE)
“MOMS: Mothers Talking About Motherhood”
* * * * *
Radha:
I think it is a fallacy to say that your life is empty if you don’t have a child. I mean that is extreme. But definitely, having a child adds a new dimension to your life. It gives you a new perspective on life. It brings with it pain and pleasure. Nothing in life is simple pain or simple pleasure. It’s a combination. It is no easy thing. It is – There are moments when it is quite difficult. But there are moments of pure joy.
TITLE
“THE ADVENTURE BEGINS”
Sandi:
I got a big acne on my forehead. Anybody–
Marni:
Oh, yeah, I still have one like that.
Sandi:
No, I’m talking it looks like
I took a brush and went, “Hwook!” (LAUGHTER)
– I have different right and–
Erika:
Are you sleeping on your side or on your back?
Marni:
I always slept on my side, so–
Sandi:
Side. Left side.
Marni:
So that wasn’t as traumatic anyway. Although, now it’s just –with the pillows and the–
Sandi:
Did they tell you left side?
Erika:
Yeah, definitely. It’s much–
Sandi:
But then my left arms falls asleep all the time.
Marni:
My shoulder from, like, sitting here crunching up with a pillow–; (LAUGHTER) There’s definitely a reason women do this. There is just no question about it.
Sandi:
Yeah.
Marni:
There isn’t&–; men just –; it’s just not for you. (Laughter) It’s just –; All men out there. It’s not for you. It’s really for us.
Louisa:
If guys were doing this, we would have three hour epics called “Saving Private Mommy.” Instead of –;
Susan:
Yeah. No we would have had to shoot the first man that got pregnant. Okay?
Louisa:
I think they’d be pitiful.
Susan:
They couldn’t have done this. They could never have done it.
Debra:
Most men can’t stand pain now. A hangnail. My husband be hollerin’. Hoo! Hoo! That hurt! That hurt! Much less childbirth. (laughter) Lord knew what He was doin’ when he made women str–; I tell my husband all the time –; women are the stronger sex. If you all had to go through labor. Hoo! Just one labor and wouldn’t nobody be havin’ no more babies.
Edith:
It was the absolute, most painful, traumatic, frightening, bloody (laughter) experience. I- I- You just can’t see enough films about it. You can’t listen to enough people. No one can prepare you for the feeling like you are getting, y’know, cracked in half. I mean, you feel like you’re just getting torn apart and y’know, I just kinda went nuts in labor. I really did. I lost it.
(Music: William Tell Overture)
Louisa:
You get this sort of illusion somehow that it’s all going to be lovely and fun and that you’re prepared because you know how to breathe. Well, I mean who are we kidding? You get in there and it’s like a civil war field hospital in Antietam or something. I mean there were screaming women everywhere!
Helen:
Doctor kept saying, “Helen, push!” And I said, “Uh uh. No, I won’t push.” And he said, “You’re going to push.” And I said, “Uh uh.” (Giggle.)
Louisa:
Would you like the vacuum attachment? I mean, honestly. It’s like, yes, I would like the vacuum attachment, please. Because I can, I can pull while you’re pushing. It’s like – I don’t care if you bring in a “shot-vac” –;
Susan:
They didn’t?
Louisa:
–; just get this thing out of me!
Elizabeth:
Get that damn baby outta me! Get her outta me! I don’t care! Just get her out!
(Music: William Tell Overture)
Melinda:
I would say ecstasy is the word. It was just what should be.
Deb:
It was completely natural. I mean, I, I didn’t even smoke a joint. (Laughter)
Caroline:
It is an out-of-body experience. I think. For most, it is, it is an extraordinary high.
Akua:
He just shot out of me, like “Vroom!” And she caught him like a football at the foot of the bed.
Oresa:
Once you see your baby’s head coming through the birth canal, it’s like, “oh my God.” You completely forget about pain. Cause it’s like, “I’m really bringing forth life.”
Vivia:
Somehow the moment that my husband carried my daughter out of the orphanage, y’know – my husband calls it the “Mandela Freedom Walk”. You know, it was like a point of no return. You knew that this was it and this little child was yours.
Joanne:
I thought that when they brought me my baby that I would feel this great wave of motherhood sweep over me. And that I would never again be the same. They brought me this baby and I looked at him and I felt nothing. And I thought they could bring you any baby and tell you this is your baby. You begin to feel the great, overwhelming love when the child reacts to you.
Melinda:
He was a boy and I will never forget my husband screaming. Just — “IT’S
A BOY!”
Rena:
You have a beautiful daughter. And that was all I wanted to hear. I had a daughter.
Jessie:
I looked at every little finger. I looked at every little toe. I examined every part of the body.
Charlene:
Tiny. She was just like a little, uh, porcelain doll. Thrilled, y’know, to think you could do this (laughter). It was, as I said. It’s like, it’s a miracle. That’s all.
* * * * *
(MUSIC: Mama mama)
PICTURES of baby growing
Louisa (to baby):
It’s okay. It’s okay. Let me get it out. Come on. Come on. There ya go.
Edith:
Every week I swore she was dying. There was a morning I woke up. She looked yellow. I was like that’s it. Liver failure today and it was just (laughter) — and I was mute, like when people would come over and look at her and say, “She’s, y’know, so lovely and so cute and such a nice baby.” And I’d be like, “But she has liver failure. You don’t know.” Your mind just goes, man. It’s just incredible.
Louisa (to baby):
Would you like to play with blocks? Or would you like to maybe we should read the train book for a minute just to center ourselves? Huh?
Vivia:
There are times when I think I’m still the same person. But then I realize that Sabina is really the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think at night, I think about at night. So, I must be a mother because I worry all the time.
Louisa (To baby):
How about this as an alternative to scab picking? Well, I know scab picking is the most fun. Okay. Let’s look at this. You wanna look at this one?
Grace:
I remember when he was little. I was afraid to be alone with him. So, I would take him out, but I wouldn’t, I would only go around the firehouse so I could — so I knew if anything happened, like I knew I could go to the firemen to help me, you know, if he got sick or whatever. And the firehouse was a block away so that was, like my, that was going to be my savior, the firehouse. I never needed them, but it was good to know they were there. (giggle)
Louisa (to baby):
We have the Cheerios, the sacred
Cheerios snack.
You may not eat the calamine lotion. That’s the deal.
These freight trains have powerful engines. They pull lots of cars loaded with
heavy goods. Oh, please don’t bite Mommy’s toe.
Thank you. Bullet trains travel at high speeds. Their pointed noses help them
go fast –
(MUSIC out)
* * * * *
Vivian in home movie: Here we are at Disneyland on Wilson’s and my second
day and Wilson — it’s just August 28th. Wilson got to come to today.
Thank you, Wilson. His favorite ride is “It’s A Small World”,
however — whoops! ; he loves “Pirates of the Caribbean” and,
of course, the big choo-choo train. We’re going to go to the babysitter
now.
Vivian interview:
When I was pregnant with my first born son, uh, Harvard bound, for sure. You
know all your firstborns are gonna go to Harvard. Um, one of the things that
I did not fear was retardation. Long story short, at eight months, my Harvard
bound son was not rolling over. At one year, he was not sitting up and the writing
was on the wall.
Mom in home movie:
We are celebrating the one year birthday of Neil Wilson Shudde, Jr. A very exciting moment here. How are you doing today, Mr. Wilson?
Vivian interview:
No one is rocking their newborn praying that they’ll get into the best special ed school in the city. It is very much the death of a vision. It’s like you’ve been planning a long-awaited trip to Italy. You board the plane and you have a flight and your plane lands and the stewardess says, “Welcome to Holland.” And you go, “Whoa! Hold it! Just a minute. I wasn’t going to Holland. I’m going to Italy. You see I’ve bought all the guidebooks. My friends are there. I’m going there.” And the stewardess says, “But you’re in Holland. And in Holland you will stay.”
Vivian v.o in home movie:
Let’s hear you do some singing, Wilson. Sing your song.
–A
–A
–;B
–B
–C
–C
So, you can spend your life wishing you were in Italy or you can learn to enjoy
Holland. And for the first five years of my son’s life, I wished so desperately
that I were in Italy. I didn’t see Holland, didn’t see the tulips,
didn’t see anything. That painful, grieving experience, the loss of a child
you thought you were owed. And so I went through that and on the other side
of that is fun and humor.
Wilson:
Can I call and have Rick and Dave fly over?
Vivian:
You want to call Hobby Airport? Those are her, his police officers.
Wilson:
I want to call Rick and David.
Vivian:
That’s Rick and David. Those are the police officers that fly over his home. And what do they do when they fly over?
Wilson:
They tip the wings, circle around. Can I call Rick?
Vivian:
They tip the wings and circle around. Wilson, we only have pretend numbers for Rick. Who else do you like to call?
Wilson:
Santa.
Vivian:
Santa. But can you tell–
Wilson:
Can we call Santa? Have you got his phone number?
Vivian interview:
Wilson believes that he’s Santa. So, it’s basically Christmas year round over here. We have Christmas videos ‘cause, y’know, Santa lives here.
Little girls:
Hi, Santa! Hi, Santa!
Wilson:
Hey.
Little girls:
Santa, who am I? Santa, who am I?
Vivian interview:
Being a mom of a retarded kid puts things into perspective. I have been in situations where I, my son, knocked, when he gets out of the car, he opens the door full-fledged. So, if I park and it gets another person’s car, I am believe me so desperately sorry. And I had a man come up to me and say, “Look what you did to my car!” And I looked at it, and I kid you not, it was a dent that was minuscule. And I looked at him and I said, “You know what you need?” And he thought I was going to tell him a kind of paint. I said, “You need a retarded kid because if you’ve got that, guess what? You won’t notice the dent!”
Wilson:
Santa Claus is coming here Friday night… can we call him up? Can we invite him?
Vivian interview:
So I am a fun mother. Wilson being my first and Sarah coming along three years later. I really thank God that she came along after so that she could get the joy of the retardation, shall we say.
Interviewer:
Do you sometimes feel like you’re the mom and she’s the kid?
Sarah:
Yes. A lot.
Interviewer:
So what do you do?
Sarah:
Um, I’m like, “Mom, calm down!” and she goes, “Oh, Sarah, it’s okay, we’ll just doin’ our own stuff.” And I’m like, “Okay, Mom.”
Vivian:
Okay. Alrighty. Okay. Bye bye. Okay. Perfect the boys were screaming in the background, “Yah!! They’re leaving now!” So that’s perfect. Okay, well. We’re really not going, Wilson. It’s just pretend. We’re pretending that we’re going and then when the boys come to rap we’re going to throw water balloons on them.
Wilson:
What about the people? Is the people going to hide, too?
Vivian:
Yes. All, everybody.
Vivian voice over:
If you just won’t take motherhood so serious, you’d have a blast! I’m able to move on over things that don’t matter and it’s because of Wilson.
Vivian:
Okay! Go for it! Girls, go for it!
Bomb ‘em!! Bomb ‘em!! Bomb ‘em, girls!! Go!! Go!! (Girls shrieking
in background).
Ready? Let’s sing, “Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!”
Vivian interview:
I was driving down the street the other day and I saw a group of kids riding their bicycles to the swimming pool. And I realized, “Ohmigosh! I’m going to be 65 and he is going to be 40! And I am going to be in a swimming pool with my forty year old! Ohmigosh!” And as I saw the freedom that that mother had at home while she sent her three children to the pool and she was eating bon-bons, I realized I will never really have that freedom. I will always have to find a black bathing suit that fits. That’ll be it! Y’all, Wilson really wants some of Y’all to do Santa. Will Y’all do that for Wilson?
Kids:
I’ll be Santa! I’ll do Santa!!
Wilson:
You’ll be Santa? How ‘bout Mrs. Santa? Can I be in the costume? Can I do it?
Vivian:
Alright. You wanna try and do it?
–
* * * * *
Susan:
The mother’s job is to keep the home fires burning. Raise the children, be happy for Daddy when he comes in, have the house cleaned and the meals cooked. I didn’t do any of that.
Louisa:
Oops. Really?
Susan:
That was the job description, -(LAUGHTER) but I didn’t do any of that.
Louisa:
But you shredded that the first day?
Susan:
Oh (sigh) I just wasn’t real good with any of that.
Louisa:
No, it takes some doing.
(William Tell overture)
Dusty in fast motion
Melinda:
My feet hit the floor. What day of the week is it? Do I wake up and have a blissful day where I don’t have to be anywhere at any time? Do I choose to go somewhere on those days where I don’t have a schedule? Do I choose to leave it empty? Um, this child wants to have a social engagement. Have they arranged it? Have I arranged it? Will it be arranged if it hasn’t been arranged? When I get in the van and we’re going somewhere and we’re car pooling, is there gas in the car? Are we going to eat fast food or are we gonna eat healthy food? Am I gonna do the dishes? Do I wanna do the dishes? Do I have clean laundry? Whose priorities are going to take priority today? You’re constantly getting out of your own way.
TITLE:
“I figure if the kids are still alive at the end of the day, I’ve
done my job. — Roseanne”
(bell sound)
Dusty:
Tyler. Turner. Taylor. Tanner. Alright, c’mon. Let’s go. Down here. First bell. Let’s go.
Dusty interview:
My children think they live in a dictatorship. They’re not allowed to watch tv. They are not allowed to have anything on the radio but classical music. Ah, they’re on a very short, little leash. Just like this. They know it. They accept it. Aw, but my Mom! My friends. I say, “Good luck to your friends. You’re not doing it.” So, it’s a very, very disciplined, but fun, household.
Dusty:
Back straight! Let’s go! Back
straight! Thank you– Kids:
Thank you for the world so sweet. Thank you for the food we eat. Thank you for
the birds that sing. Thank you, God, for everything.
Dusty:
Very good, Here you go. Napkins on the laps, please. Tucker, sit up straight,
please. Sweetheart, would you please eat properly? Sit in your chair, put your
napkin in your lap.
Dusty interview:
Organization is probably the single most important thing to have in a lot of children. I have a couple techniques that I, I – first of all, all of my children have a color. So, if you’re the child that is assigned the red color, your towel is red, your lunchbox is red, your backpack is red, your toothbrush is red. So that when we come upon all this multiple stuff we immediately know okay if it’s yellow it must be Turner’s.
Turner:
No, she wants to be purple and I wanna be pink.
Dusty:
Nooo. You can’t change your colors. Have the colors the rest of your life. But it’s a good color.
Dusty interview:
I’m amazed at the moms that just sort of let their child experiment with all types of styles and I look at that child and I see the chaos that that child is experiencing. And to be honest with you, I really don’t want my children around those children. I don’t need that kind of experimentation to trickle over to my children. I keep them, shall we say directed.
Dusty (to various kids):
There’s a turtleneck down by
the boots. Please put it on. Go change your shirt as I asked you, please. Go
on.
Tommy, he can’t go to the game unless he’s made his bed.
Tyler, did you feed the dog? Tyler, did you feed the dog? Is that a yes?
Taylor Rhodes? You are not excused please. C’mon.
Let’s go. Tugboat, out of the kitchen, Tugboat, out of the kitchen.
Please go get my laundry. Okay? And bring it down, alright? into the laundry?
Turner, you’re gonna sweep the kitchen and empty the dishwasher when it’s
done?
Dusty interview:
I run a very old-fashioned household, but again you must have structure and organization in order for the child to feel that discipline for what I think gives them the security to feel good about themselves.
Dusty in car:
Number one (Here.) Two (Here.) Three (Here.) Four (Here.) Five (Here.) Six (Here.) We did forget you one time, Tyler. You know that? Remember when we were down at your grandmother’s house?
Tyler:
Yeah.
Dusty:
I think we went about two or three miles. And then we realized that we were missing a child. Or the child was trying to get away from us.
Dusty to child:
Oh, you’re so big!
Dusty interview:
One time somebody asked me had I read the new book on The New York Times bestseller list. And I said book? Book? Read a book? Are you out of your mind? I haven’t read a book in fifteen years! When am I going to read a book?
Dusty in stands:
Come on, Tyler! Shoot!
Dusty interview:
I’ve always had this theory about numbers of children. One is one. Two is two. Three is seventeen. Four is seventeen, et cetera… because once you go past two – it’s chaos.
Dusty to husband:
Hey, Tom. Tom, where is number two? Alright, we’re missing two then.
Dusty to herself:
Excuse me, please. I’m sorry.
Hi, how are you?
Hmmm. Not always I lose two at once.
Turner?
Turner?
There must be a video game room somewhere.
Turner?
Turner?
You know it, knowing her she would rent skates and go skating.
Turner?
Turner?
This is so strange.
Elizabeth: v.o.
I think part of being a mom is wanting to make sure that everything for your
child is perfect.
Dusty:
Alright. Then you stay around here. Ok? Please.
Elizabeth v.o.:
There is no way you can control everything. As a mom, I can’t stop myself from trying that.
Dusty:
I couldn’t see you. Where you were. I was lookin’ all over the place for you. I was getting worried.
Elizabeth:
It’s impossible to control kids and that can be so frustrating. It’s like, I know your life would be so much easier if you would do it my way! But she doesn’t care. She’s gonna do it her way and if I could just remember that all the time we’d probably avoid a lot of battles, but unfortunately, I y’know, sitting here I can think, oh yeah, I shouldn’t control her, but, oh it’s hard. It’s fly by the seat of your pants all the time.
Janet:
This is the toughest job I am, I’ve ever had to do and will ever do. And that one day, I hope when I’m at the home, that I look back and say, “Uh huh, y’know, I did hang in there, I did what I thought was right. You know, I taught her everything I knew in the right way and now she has to take that and do whatever she can with it.”
Niobe:
I think what they value is the honesty,
y’know. As I said, when we dress it up as though we are these really, y’know
we are the authority. We’re the experts. We have all the information. All
the right answers. We deceive them. And either we deceive them with our words
or in time they learn we deceive them in our actions. When we fall short in
their eyes because they’ve been led to believe we can handle all things.
And I’ve fallen short, but I’m human and I think I’ve taught
them to love me that way.
(MUSIC)
* * * * *
Susan D.:
I was twenty-one when I had Steven and he and I were together for almost the first two years of his life. I was real fanatical about changing his diapers as soon as he went to the bathroom, y’know. And I used all glass bottles because I didn’t want plastic, um, and I would sterilize his bottles in water. Um, so I was really, y’know, I feel like that I was definitely into taking care of Steven and being a Mom. Y’know.
Susan in car:
Hi, Steven. Hey, it’s Mom. I just called to see if you were there. I’ll see you in a few minutes. I love you. Bye-bye.
Susan interview:
And then all that changed. Um, I, ah, began drinking and, and using drugs quite a bit. And that changed everything. His dad got custody of him. He lives with his dad, y’know. And having known back then what I know today, I would’ve – I wouldn’t have made that decision. Things would be really different. I wouldn’t have done that. I wouldn’t have given custody of my child at all. Not in a second.
Susan to son:
Hold on. Ok?
Susan interview:
Steven is with me every first, third and fifth weekend of the month. And I pick him up on Friday at six and then take him back to his Dad’s on Sunday at six.
Susan:
What are you doin’ up there, you silly cat! Look at him!
Susan interview:
And … I try to cram in a whole week into a three days because I have such short, limited time with him.
Susan to son:
Um, ok, let me just show you once
and just cut’em. Like make slices.
Is it hot? Hold it. Okay, say cheese.
No, I don’t want a bat hanging in the middle of the room, please! No, Steven.
I don’t like that. (laugh)
It’s the World Cup. Italy vs. United States. Tied one to one. Two minutes
left in the game.
Susan interview:
I feel like, y’know, I’m missing out on the little things. I’ve only taken him to school once. I took him to school one morning. And it was so neat. It was the coolest thing to take him and watch him, y’know, run off with his little backpack. And because it’s not something that I’ve experienced. I’ve done it once. And he’s been in school – he’s in seventh grade. So– And packing his lunch, y’know, I’ve never done that for him.
Susan to son:
Steven! Steven!
Steven:
What?
Susan D:
Say, “hi.”
Steven:
Hi.
Susan D.:
Tell me your name and how old you are.
Steven:
Steven Daniel Kincaid.
Susan D.:
And?
Steven:
And I’m twelve years old.
Susan D.:
And when were you born?
Steven:
I was born February 27th, 1986.
Susan D.:
Great. The happiest day of my life.
Susan interview:
Even though I haven’t been drinking for a long time, um, there’s times that I feel like Steven wants to take care of me and wants to protect me and so I have to tell him, y’know, that’s not his responsibility. That he’s a 12 year old little boy and I’m a grown woman and that I’ll be ok and that I’ll take care of myself. And, y’know, that is not his responsibility to take care of me.
Susan and Steven:
Two, three, Steven Daniel, Susan Denise Durham, Steven Daniel Durham…
Susan D.:
I’m with him and we connect and we bond. And then I go and I drive him and take him back to his Dad’s and then, and then he’s not there anymore. It’s weird. It’s like, sometimes I look over and that’s where he was and then now he’s not there anymore. It’s been difficult at times. Like right now the job I have, it’s an office and, y’know, there’s a lot of women and they all talk about their kids, y’know. And I want so badly to share with them. Ah– y’know, I want, I want to participate and say, “Y’know I have a 12 year old son.” Then I know there’s always the, ahh - what comes after that.
Steven’s Dad:
Hey, buddy. Is it getting cold out there?
Susan D.:
A little bit. See ya. I’ll
call ya. Bye bye.
* * * * *
Brooke:
What do I like most, what do I like least about being a mother – Amount to the same thing. Ah. It forces you to confront what is best and worst in your own nature. Ah — you have to be generous beyond your ability–your ability to imagine generosity. You find yourself cranky and cruel beyond your lowest expectations of your own behavior. It’s ah–when you’re raising children you have to force yourself to grow up, I guess. That’s what it boils down to.
Kay:
My daughter Nan. We were coming
home from school and I said, “Be outside of school. We’re going to
the dentist.” Ok? I drove up she wasn’t there. In those days they
had ice cream parlors near the schools and I went through the school to look
for her. And she said, “Oh, Mother. I forgot. I’m so sorry.”
And I said, “Come on, we’re late for the dentist.” So we went.
A week went by. And she said, “Mother, there’s a dance. Make me a
dress?” I said, “Sure. Let’s go shopping.” We went shopping,
bought the material, made her dress.
The night of the dance, I left. She was upstairs changing to go. I–I left
the house, I drove down the street. And I sat in the car and I cried. My husband
come by and he said, “What’s you sittin’ out here for?”
I said, “I’m punishing Nan.” And I said, “Now don’t
you take her to the dance. It’s a punishment.” So, I went back home,
it was too late for her to go to the dance. And she was crying and I said, “Huh?
Remember three weeks ago or four weeks ago I asked you to be out school and
you wouldn’t be late for the dentist? You forgot? Oop, I forgot. When you
can remember to do for mother, mother will remember to do for you.” I never
had to tell her again. She was always ahead of time. (laugh)
(MUSIC: “You Always Hurt the One you Love”)
TITLE
“If all mothers were as strict as I was we wouldn’t have so many brats.
— Mildred Spock, Dr.Spock’s mother”
Jessie:
When they were babies, I told ’em, “This is Mommy’s. If you break this — I’m going to break your toy.” And they never broke anything. (laugh) Then that was it.
Betty:
I gave them many a tap on the backside. Not hard. Never left marks of any kind, but they had to learn to behave.
Virginia:
They told me the worst punishment that I could give them was when I said, “Go and sit in the bathroom in the dark and think about what you did.” Because now they say, “Do you realize there’s nothin’ you can do in the bathroom in the dark?” And I said, “Of course.” (laughter)
Martha:
Instead of whippin’ them or whatever, I would just get ’em and go stand ’em in the corner and then they would just stand and hug one another. And just, and you know, just learn to get along with one another.
Susan:
My children were never slapped in the face. (laugh) I’ve – they probably wished they were slapped in the face rather than for me to talk to them. Ok? (laugh) They just would say, “Mom, please just spank me, ground me, send me to my room, just don’t TALK to me!” (laugh) “Do I have to listen?” And I said, “Yes. And when your father comes home we’re going to have another talk.”
Ray:
Everything is discussion. They talk to the child. They’re six years old. What’s there to discuss? You’ve got a doctor or a lawyer that is a father, sitting and talking to these two. And they’re getting away with a lot.
Rena:
They call that quality time. (laugh)
Ray:
Well, I had different kind of quality time.
Rena:
Yeah.
Melinda’s kids:
She does, she does threaten to clothespin
our lips shut. She goes, “Be quiet! Or I’ll clothespin your lips shut!”
–;So, that’s an interesting fact about Mom.
Melinda:
But have I ever clothespinned your lips shut?
Melinda ’s kids:
(in unison) No.
Melinda:
Thank you. (laugh)
Grace:
I used to say, “I’ll drop kick ya.” Or like, “If you keep it up with me, I’ll rip your lungs out.” That was my favorite saying (laugh) that I was going to rip their lungs out, um. Whenever they did anything wrong. (laugh)
(MUSIC up and out)
Marcia:
I–I–I never liked to hit them. I didn’t hit them, I once, hooo, I once took a baseball bat and I don’t want to think about it. And I broke it over my Steven’s legs. A heavy bat. Why am I telling you all these things? It’s craziness! Oh, God.
Interviewer:
You would never do that again?
Marcia:
Oh, I’d never do — oh, I, I , I was hysterical after I did it. I begged him — please forgive me. And what did I say? It’s too bad it wasn’t your head. (laugh) I wanted to hit him in the head. I grabbed his, oh my poor baby. But, I’ll tell ya, he still loves me. You know.
Interviewer:
In spite of all that?
Marcia:
Yeah.
Interviewer:
Why does he love you?
Marcia:
‘Cuz I’m his mother.
* * * * *
Interviewer:
How about your backgrounds? The way you were raised? How does that affect the way in which you’re raising your daughters?
Vivia and Robyn:
Are you talking about our relations with our mothers? Ah –-(laugh)
Caroline:
My mother was very critical. I love her dearly but she was quite critical of me. And I think in some ways that was good, and in other ways it inhibited me, um, to a certain extent. And I think that’s why this whole discipline thing is very important. That you discipline in a certain, it’s how you discipline a child and their egos are fragile. And, and one must for the first five years give them a lot of support and a lot of praise.
Betsy:
That is so strange. Let me interrupt just a minute because this is a point that we really have not brought up between ourselves. And it’s interesting because the way my mother criticized me has always been one of the things that I felt has stayed with me and that I’ve resented. And for me to have repeated it is rather tragic because I certainly didn’t realize I was doing it. But it does follow exactly what we were saying, that as much as you don’t want to be like your parent, somehow it sneaks in there.
Akua:
You’re hoping that you do the right thing for this particular child because they are all individual. They are all different. One child you can say, “Aw, get outta here with your big head.” And you say it in a playful, loving way. No problem. The next child – go through life. I’ve got a big head. I can’t get a job. I got a big head. So, what do you do?
Betsy:
But why don’t you remember all the praise you were given? (laugh) That’s what I don’t understand.
Leila:
Yes. There was a lot of praise. Absolutely.
Betsy:
Honestly. She was an adorable child.
Leila:
Absolutely. Adorable, marvelous.
Betsy:
And very talented and beautiful and there was never any — I can’t believe that you don’t remember encouragement or praise that you just remember criticism.
Leila:
And all the clever things she did, or what she did or what she painted. Or she makes wonderful, like Joseph Cornell collage now, you see.
Caroline:
There’s a big effort now to make up for all (laugh) this —
Leila:
No, no. But she always did, she did wonderful things–But I think all children at one point learn how to say, “I hate you, Mommy. I want another Mommy. I don’t like you, Mommy.” Something happens. You tell them that they can’t have something and sometimes they do this. I was terribly hurt. I couldn’t believe it. And children also, there’s no use thinking that you’re going to get lots of sympathy from your child if you say, “What would you do if I died?” I remember saying that to my son when he was six. And he said, “I’d put your favorite hat on a stick and put it over your grave.” So, I never asked that sort of dumb question again. (LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC)
Brooke:
They did have a book that they managed to keep with them since they started
to read called My Mom is Ruining My Life and I’m always finding it places.
It’s always on the floor by the toilet, or next to the couch, or on the
kitchen counter. And I keep thinking I’ve thrown away this book, My Mom
is Ruining My Life – keeps popping up wherever we go, y’know.
Barbara:
They are constantly pushing us away and yet they need us. And to be able to find, like, y’know — I didn’t — I remember I think all the way through high school I don’t think I got a hug from my son. We were in such turmoil and when he graduated from high school, um, we had a Mother/Son banquet and the, ah, the, ah, the administrator made the kids stand up and their mothers stand and the kid had to give their mother a big hug. And that was like (laugh) the first, I think, I got, or the only one I got in high school. (laugh) I didn’t care if it was enforced, I didn’t care whose idea it was. It was nice.
Vivian:
On the first day of school this year, she said, “Mom, now these are the new rules for junior high. You don’t come in the building.” But, y’know, I didn’t let my mother pick us up in front of my junior high, ‘cause she wouldn’t wear mini-skirts and make-up. So how could I be–well she forgot her lunch the first day of school, so I said, “What do I do? Throw it through the window?”
(MUSIC up and out)
Georgia:
Now can I listen to the radio?
Janice:
Yeah, but I wanna hear CBS.
Georgia:
Nooooo. Foo Fighters.
Janice:
Who is it?
Georgia:
Foo Fighters.
Janice:
Who?
Georgia:
Foo Fighters.
Janice:
Food Fighters?
Georgia:
Foo. Foo. Fooooo.
Janice:
What is “Foo”?
Georgia:
Foo. “F”, “O”, “O”.
Janice:
What is “Foo”? What is “Foo”?
Georgia:
I don’t know what “foo”
is.
Janice:
Well, how can you be a “Foo Fighter”? Does it mean you’re–
Georgia:
If you play guitar and sing the song you’re a Foo Fighter.
Janice:
Is it a Chinese group?
Georgia:
No. I think there’s one Asian guy in there, but —
Janice interview:
Georgia’s very hardheaded. She’s very, very strong. I like that. I wanted her to be that way. I didn’t want her to be a wimp. She’s not. She’s very strong-minded and she loves to debate. And she’s good at it. She’s got a very sharp tongue. Um, but she doesn’t know how to temper it yet, she doesn’t know when to pick the battles yet. So everything’s a battle. Every day’s a battle.
Janice to Georgia:
You don’t want a bubble jacket?
Georgia:
No. I don’t want that bubble jacket, but I want to look in The Gap first.
Janice:
Well, just take a look and see what’s here. See what’s here while we’re here.
Georgia:
Uh. I don’t want that. I don’t like it.
Janice:
Well, just take a look. Sales — $69.90. No, we’re fine thanks.
Georgia:
Uh. No, Mom. Not a chance.
Janice:
It’s not Gore-tex.
Georgia:
Not a chance. Like there’s a chance and then there’s not one and there’s–
Janice:
Can’t you at least try it on?
Georgia:
No.
Janice:
(laugh) Why?
Georgia:
No. No chance, no I can’t.
Janice:
What’s wrong with it?
Georgia:
Trust me when I say that I don’t want a jacket here.
Janice:
(Laugh)
Georgia:
Like there’s no understanding here. (laugh) Let’s be on the same plane.
Janice:
I see it looks exactly like those other jackets. What about those jackets? Look. They’re expensive.
Janice interview:
It’s difficult. It’s frustrating because you can control a little one’s life a little bit and now to see her having to go through herself a lot of the things that, that we have to go through to grow up and the world comes and gets them and does things to them and you can’t do anything and you shouldn’t do anything about it. And to watch it and just let it happen as it should, but it’s hard.
Georgia:
Alright. Now here’s what I’m thinking. I would seriously like a tongue ring. (laugh) Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s discuss this for a minute.
Janice:
No tongue ring.
Georgia:
No, no, no. If you think about it. It’s really ok.
Janice:
No, it’s not.
Georgia:
No, listen because you can take it out —
Janice:
It’s disgusting.
Georgia:
It’s not disgusting. You can’t generally see it. I can take it out for important occasions.
Janice:
What’s the point?
Georgia:
The point–
Janice:
What’s the point of it?
Georgia:
Because I’d like one.
Janice interview:
You have to back off. I have to back off. She tells me things and I just have to let them take their course rather than stepping in.
Georgia:
But you see you know what the problem with the old sunglasses was? I took them to Belize and they kinda got crushed.
Janice:
Well that’s why I don’t spend a lot of money on them because that’s what happens.
Georgia:
Well you don’t want to know what happened to them?
Janice:
No.
Georgia:
You don’t want to hear my story?
Janice:
No. (laugh)
Georgia:
The experiences of my life?
Janice:
No. (laugh)
Georgia:
Why not?
Janice:
Because–
Georgia:
Daddy wants to experience my life.
Janice:
–Gloves, umbrellas.
Georgia:
I don’t like umbrellas.
Virginia:
You’re used to them wanting you and needing you and you realize they don’t need you so and that you don’t have to — that they don’t have to tag along behind you. And it hurts. So, it’s a big adjustment. I’m not sure of how I handled it. Somehow I got through it. Y’know, that’s not my baby and they don’t need me anymore. And it’s very difficult.
(MUSIC)
TITLE
“My teenagers know more about sex than they do about soap. Binnie Barnes”Edith:
I want her to enjoy her sexuality. I want her to enjoy becoming a woman. Enjoy
your life, man. Enjoy who you are and what God gave you. Have a great time.
If Leah is having a good time, I am happy.
Grace:
I told them all about sex. And I told them about birth control and sex and birth control and sex and all three of them got pregnant before they got married. So, I think don’t tell them anything. You may be better off. (laugh) ‘Cause apparently none of mine listened to me.
Leila:
One day, I opened the door and there’s my son — copulating with a girl and he says, “Hi, Mom. Just a minute. I’m busy.”
Betsy:
(LAUGHTER) No!
Leila:
Yes.
Marcia:
All I used to say to my boys, “Listen when you go out — don’t forget a raincoat.” They knew what I meant.
(MUSIC)
Edith:
God, I hope I didn’t sound so loose. I was like, “Enjoy your life, Leah.” (laugh) Next thing you know, Leah’s going to be like fourteen and she’s going to be like, “Mom, I’ve got a surprise for you.” (laugh) and then I’m going to kill her.
Leah:
No!
* * * * *
Rena:
My daughter graduated college and she came home the following week and she said, “I rented an apartment and I’m moving out.” So, I said, “Gee. Is it big enough for you to take everything that’s in your room? EVERYTHING?” She looked at me. I said, “And if you run short of money and you can’t pay the rent at the end of the month, that’s going to be your problem, not ours. And if you wanna come home to have dinner, you have to call and make an appointment that you’re coming. You can’t just drop in. You’re moving away and you’re on your own, then you’re going to be on your own.”
Josephine:
I cried when my sons moved out. Now, now they were grown men, but they was with me all their lives. So for them to get married and move out. I mean, that really, really hurt me and even now — I mean, I miss my boys! I miss them terribly. You know? It’s just something that, you’ll always miss them if they’re not home. They visit. They call you. But it’s not the same.
(MUSIC)
TITLE:
“Dear Mother, I’m all right. Stop worrying about me. – Egyptian
letter, 2000 BC.”
Susan:
I wasn’t ready for them to leave home. I thought they should’ve stayed there with me forever. I thought that they should’ve just married and brought their spouses in there to live with me. They should never go anywhere, they should be there so I could witness their life.
Niobe:
What’s missing for me right now is the sound and what sometimes overcomes me is the silence. So when I walk in the house, I turn on the television. I may even turn on the radio because I need to have that – the energy of other loving things and voices around me, yeah. The empty nest blues is not knowing, on a daily basis, by looking them over whether or not they’re okay.
Debra:
My baby wished he wasn’t movin’ out. He say he gonna get married and his wife gonna move in with me, ‘cause, ‘cause he like the way I cook. (laugh)
Interviewer:
Will you be happy if —
Debra:
No, Lord! Uh, uh. I done told him. I’m waiting for him to move out so I can– I told my older one, next year he gonna be outta school so I can boot him on out. I’m just waitin’ to boot him out. I said after that I’m not cookin’ nothin’. I’m goin’ out to eat every day.
Barbara:
When he went away, he wanted to go to Los Angeles and everybody said, “Oh. That’s so far away. Are you going to let him go?” And I said, “Oh, yeah.” (laughter) I mean, I was really happy. I hate to say it.
Deb:
Call when you get there! (laughter)
Barbara:
Yeah, right.
Elizabeth:
I’m a little worried about what I’m gonna do when Rachel’s gone. It’s, it’s very scary to me. I want her to go. I want her to have a fun, enjoyable life, but I’ve built my life around her for a lotta years and I’m going to have to get better at doing things with myself again.
(MUSIC up and out)
* * * * *
Marcia:
I have a picture of Howard some place. Very – he was very handsome, but he was very sick boy. I really loved him. Did I love him.
Interviewer:
What happened to him?
Marcia:
He died. Cancer. And he never, and I begged him, “Please, Howard. If you want to got to a doctor, I’ll take you to a doctor.” I wanted to take him to a doctor. He wouldn’t listen to me. “Mommy, there’s nothing wrong with me.” And then he says, “Go to Florida. You’ll feel better there.” So, my husband and I went. I didn’t want to go. While we were in Florida, one of the kids called, called me. I don’t know whether it was Steven or Mada – and I was only there about a month and a half. It took me that long to get used to the hotel. And before you knew it, Harry comes in and he says to me, “We have to go home.” And I says, “Why? What’s wrong? Something happen to Howard?” He says, “No. He’s fine.” I says, “What do I wanna go home for?” You know, if God forbid, if he was in the hospital, I’d run. No. No. He was dead already. He was dead. I didn’t even say goodbye to him. I didn’t even say goodbye to him. Oy. Listen, I lost my husband, I — it hurt me. He was very good man. When you lose a child, there’s nothing like losing a child. It’s the worst pain. The worst pain.
Kay:
If I thought about it, I would sit here and cry. But, life is too short. They’re gone. The good Lord’s got them. That’s it. I had them. He took them. And I have to be happy with it. I have to accept it, otherwise I’d be a “blrblr” idiot. Yeah. (laugh). A lot of the women downstairs even sit there and, and, ah, talk about their children, their deceased children. I lost my daughter, and, and when they start that — I don’t. I’m gone. We all lose children. We all have to carry it in our hearts. That’s the best place to keep it — in your heart.
* * * * *
Caroline:
I love you. I love you. Skiddamarink a ree. Skiddamarink a roo. I love you. I love you in the morning. I love you in the night. I love you whenever you’re out of my sight. Oh, Skiddamarink a ree. Skiddamarink a roo. I love you. And I used to swing her down on my lap and she used to love that.
Alicia and son:
Ay yay ayay yay ayay ayay yay….
And how does that end? Yum bump. Well, he doesn’t remember right now. (laugh)
abYum bump, bump.
abThat’s it.
Leila & Betsy:
Hush, little baby, don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.
(laughter)
Elizabeth:
Hush, little baby, don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. If that mockingbird won’t sing, momma’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
Martha:
Up above the sky so high, like a diamond in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder where you are.
Niobe:
The eensy weensy spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain and so the eensy weensy spider went up the spout again. That’s what we did and still do. (laugh) Yes.
* * * * *
Jessie:
It’s so wonderful having your own child and then to live and see a grandchild. It was beautiful. And then see a great-grandchild. That’s – it’s the most happiest days of your life. Y’know? You may be sick. You made it. But when you see theirs little faces and “Grandma! Grandma!” I don’t know. It brings such a joy into your life. And I don’t know how people could say they hate kids, they wished they never had kids. I don’t know how they could say that.
(MUSIC: “I Can’t Give You Anything But Love”)
Edith:
You go through life, you know, you have your parents. And you really, I mean, you love your parents, right? You’re like, “I love my mother. Who could I love more in the world than my mother?” And you meet your husband or your wife and you say, “I love my husband and wife.” You’re hav–But when you have this child, you know when you hold this baby and as time — I didn’t feel it right away, but after like, by the time Leah was a year old, I was like, “Holy s***! This is love!” And there’s nothing – there’s no love like this. It’s intense.
(MUSIC)
Akua:
You never stop being a mother until the day they throw the dirt in your face and even then they call upon your spirit. Because I still, you know, my mother, I look so much like my mother that sometimes I am my mother and I can feel her presence and it’s like – she didn’t go anywhere.
Elizabeth:
I did get the opportunity to thank my mom for all she did for me and even though she never responded, I wrote her this letter, she never said anything to this letter. I’d poured my heart out, thanking her for all she’d done and even though I wasn’t the daughter she wanted that, you know, she’d let me be who I needed to be. And, I thought it was this wonderful letter. She never said a word. Okay, great. This is wonderful. This is typical of my relationship with my mom, but then when my mom got sick, every time she had to move from one place to another, the only thing she did is she got that letter and she held it in her hand and she made sure that – that that letter went with her and that she put it a very important place when she got to the new place. So, even though she never said anything to me in words, I knew that I had gotten through to her and that I had been able to thank her for what she did to me. Hopefully, I’ll get that from Rachel.
(MUSIC)
Charlene:
It’s a big job being a mother and if you get — if you do it just halfway, then you’ve accomplished something. (laugh) Oh, dear.
(MUSIC)
FINAL CREDITS
Mrs Kolker:
This film was produced and directed by MY son Andrew Kolker...
Mrs Alvarez:
... and by MY son Louis Alvarez.
Mrs McCarthy:
The director of photography was my son, Stephen McCarthy.
Peter Odabashian:
Hi, Mom.
Mrs. Rubin:
The associate producers were my daughter Alice Rubin...
Mrs Maroon:
...and my daughter Sophia Maroon.
(MUSIC)
REST OF END CREDITS
Interviewer:
Why don’t you start off by telling us your name, the number of children you have and their names?
Dusty:
I said, “Out!” Alright? I’m not gonna tell ya again. Excuse me.
Mrs. Kolker:
This has been a production of the Center for New American Media...
Mrs Alvarez:
...And WETA, Washington, D.C.